First of all, this is my first real attempt at writing for a newspaper, or actually if you want the truth, my first real job. I’m sixteen years old and an orphan, so if anyone has an issue with what I am about to ‘report’, let me share a couple of things with you. One: Again, sixteen and sans parents who were killed during the catastrophic destruction during the War of the Gods, so if that doesn’t melt your heart and you still insist on sending me ‘hate’ mail or death threats for reporting the rumors as I know how...you suck as a person. Seriously. You suck. Two: I have an enchanted Frickin’ Bo Staff and I’m totally not afraid to use it even though I really don’t know how to use it, but feel free to ‘bring it’.
There! Now that we’ve gotten over that little hump, let me just share with you a few bits of interesting gossip I’ve heard in the past week or so...
First let me start the Rumors with this....the catnapping of our ultra-fabulous, and highly stylish Editor, Reid Feral. From what I’ve gathered, Boss-man Feral was minding his own business strolling through the market square when suddenly out of nowhere, a small group of fecal throwing, monkey men snatched Reid right off the street in broad daylight, on the totally packed main street and ran off with him. I can only imagine Reid’s kidnapping has something to do with his own personal batch of ‘hate’ mail he’s received from writing the Rumors. So far, we at The Chronicle have zero leads on where our esteemed employer could possibly be, but if anyone has any information at all leading to the whereabouts of Reid Feral, please do not hesitate to contact The Chronicle. Oh and for all you gawkers and spectators who turned a blind eye to such tragedy, for shame. For shame.
There’s a bit of rumors touching down on the gods of Aleris lately too. For starters, it would seem Tempesturo’s Champion, some anorexic guy named Blend, has either gone missing or decided that his newfound job as Champion simply didn’t pay well enough. Either way, Blend is kaputs so I am guessing the job is open for anyone who doesn’t have a life. Oh and by the way, who names their kid Blend?
It has been said that the Goddess of Spring has sent her own Paladin, Wish Star, off on some zany adventure in search of the Lord Commander, Madrin Kir. As much as I would love to share the details of this supposed ‘super-secret hush hush mission’, the sad truth of it all is that I simply do not know. However, I can tell you gossip mongrels that it has been said that both Ms. Star and the Lord Commander were spotted in Jade City recently, along with another woman. Has Commander Kir slipped away from his duties in the City for a brief vacation that includes a menage a trois? Or has something nefarious happened to the Lord Commander that has Aurora’s panties in such a twist that she sent her Paladin off to retrieve him. And who is this mystery woman keeping Ms. Star company, you might ask? Not sure, but there is a possibility she is none other than the same twisted self-proclaimed goddess who, if you people recall, was responsible for the mass genocide of Alerian citizens and lands. All I can say is if that is true, Aurora must be off her rocker to send her beloved Paladin with a psycho bitch. I’ll keep you posted, people, as soon as I find out more on the story.
Keeping with the Jade theme, apparently there has been reports of mass murders in the gorgeous jungle city, and folks, when I say murders, I do mean murders. There’s been talk of either a serial killer involved, or perhaps even some ‘death’ cult led by some maniacal demon lord who has taken up residence in Jade. Now we all know that Jade has been home lately to the alien race the Almeddans who decided to illegally enter our realm and sponge off our governments, lands and resources. Take that for whatever its worth people. I just find it odd that since they have arrived, Aleris seems to be reeking of death, so I’m wondering if these Almeddans are involved in this string of killings. Either way folks, guard your kids, guard your wives and husbands, and most important...guard your goats. I have two words for you people: ritual sacrifice. Don’t become a victim.
Moving north to Arthuran, gods, where do I even begin? I swear, the land of ice must be home to drooling half-wits. Let’s start with the Lord of Arthuran, Verial Akilara. Now I personally don’t know the man, but that isn’t going to stop me from talking about him or his lady-love, the elusive Lady Amelia. Rumor has it she might very well be one Deanna DiCorvino, who as we all know, is an escaped convict who was once on death row but managed to elude the authorities. Hello! I smell potential reward here folks! In any case, the rumor mill swirls with talks of a pregnancy that is supposed to be kept secret, and I don’t mean Lord Verial’s. In any case, Lady Amelia or Ms. Corvino, whichever you prefer to go by...YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE LADY, except maybe Verial Akilara. I mean come on sir! Even little old humble me has heard that you are about to be a father, but from what I’ve heard, you remain ignorant of that fact. How is that possible?? Anyway, shortly after the Winter Ball, which I was informed was super sweet, there was criminal activity in the city of Chaliceton. Something else that slipped under the Lord’s radar by the way. I’m just saying. Fast forward to the Lord, accompanied by his playmate of love and two of Chaliceton guardsmen...yes folks, you heard right...a pregnant woman and only two guards, the Lord of Arthuran went off in search of their stolen goods, only to get their asses totally handed to them by some savage tribesmen. Now this is straight up from the gossip hags, but I heard it was four against a hundred. Three men and an expecting woman. Poor choices, sir. The good news is that everyone is recovering nicely, but if I may give a piece of advice to the Lord and um...whoever his lady love is pretending to be? Give that kid up for adoption. Seriously, you two are the epitome of bad parenting.
Speaking of bad parenting, and folks, this really takes the cake here, and again it’s just something I’ve heard in passing but felt it worth mentioning. During the wars, one particular citizen that was once referred to as Soul, but from what I’ve heard changed his name to Syvern, took it upon himself to protect and care for a group of orphans in Jade City. Nice, right? A real stand up guy doing something like that, isn’t he? So Soul/Syvern or whatever his name is these days has been caring for these little bumpkins, but the rumor has it that the seven foot something tall arraki (don’t ask people, I have no idea what that is, but I heard he has acid in his blood...gross), has been doing nasty and dirty things with several large breasted females. That alone isn’t news, because really, who cares who the arraki sticks it to right? No, no, folks, we were talking bad parenting here, right? Well Orphan Caregiver Soul/Syvern has been sexing up a storm....are you ready for this?....in the orphanage where the little innocent children sleep at night and don’t tell me the tots can’t hear all the moaning and groaning! Mr. Syvern, sir, I don’t know whether to congratulate you for your sexual prowess and stamina, or call the authorities on you. I’ll get back to you.
I refuse to touch upon Elved in great detail. All I can say is that Bariston is in the process of rebuilding and that harpy scab who rules over them is pretty satisfied with that, as well as two newcomers who had the misfortune of finding themselves in Bariston and the clutches of Layla “Douchebag” Victoire. Run, newbies, run away as fast as you can.
Let’s move a bit further south to Heruin, shall we? From what I’ve heard, the Padishah formerly known as Ameerah Sultan, now called Ameerah Amunette (what’s up with the name changes here folks?) has been doing a fine job clearing out the undesirables of Drybrush and maintaining levels or law and order. Rumor has it she is one tough lady and not one to be challenged, but she might be the lady behind the infamous drug cartel that has spread like wildfire throughout Aleris. Drugs, drugs galore! I couldn’t say if the movement has hit Arthuran or Elved, but you can bet your booty it is here in Eiler and it is here to stay. Now, again, I’m only reporting the rumors, so none of what I say is confirmed fact. Please don’t hurt me Padishah. I’m only a kid.
Speaking of the Padishah, rumor has it that there was some interesting ongoings at the Ironhold Prison that involved both Ameerah Amunette and the Bel Talal, Valorius Malku. Now again folks, I have very little information on this topic, but from what I am to understand, there’s some bad mojo happening in the lower regions of the Prison, dark evil mojo. Perhaps that is why the Padishah and Bel Talal had to involve themselves? Heruin is mysterious in its own right, and from what I know of Ameerah Amunette and Valorius Malku, which is really nothing, so are they. Feed me the rumors folks! Share with me what you know about these two foreign dignitaries!
On a lighter and more positive note, is there love blooming between a certain surly and unlucky in love lady pirate and a war and world weary soldier of Almedda? Rumor has it that these two have been spotted canoodling as they appear joined at the hip since their initial meeting. He seems to have a fond appreciation for her breasts and she seems to enjoy his rather...large...sense of humor. Perhaps there is hope after all for romance in Aleris. Keep your fingers crossed for these two, people. I know I will!
Anyway, that’s all I have for now folks. Hope I didn’t disappoint anyone. Until next time....that’s the rumor!
~Rahne~
Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:46 pm
