(Chat logs from 12.11.12.)Deanna DiCorvinoDeanna seriously considered the heart attack she was presently having as a blessing in disguise, and prayed for a swift death as Verial entered her room. She had been reading up on herbal lore, the uses of certain plants for certain situations, her stomach finally settling for the day when the Lord of Arthuran, in all of his fury, forced himself in and bolted the door behind him. Quickly Deanna slid the book under the covers, having marked a particular page, her eyes wide and fearful as she tried unsucessfully several times to speak, to question his presence which was if truth were told, terrifying. He was a wreck, physically and obviously emotionally, but it was the look in his face, more specifically those odd colored eyes of his that froze her solid upon her bed. When Verial demanded the truth out of her, Deanna considered bolting and running from the room, even if she had to break down the fucking door to escape. She did not even consider how Sahar had obviously broke her vow to Deanna, for how was she supposed to reveal painful truths to Verial? Realizing she had little choice in the matter, her body trembled with fear of his reaction and her lips parted so that she might speak, so that she might explain...but Verial continued his speech and his truth had nothing to do with what she had been dreading, what she had swore to hide. She almost laughed then, that shaky laugh that had been bubbling in her throat, but now was not the time to express her relief. She uttered not a single word as he spoke his hurt, his anger at her, as he questioned her intentions and her actions. It took everything in her power not to lower her gaze, to look anywhere but at him. Whatever relief she felt earlier was quickly replaced with a new kind of panic that filled her. Truths. Verial wanted, no demanded, truths. From her. How could she express her honesty now, when there was so much at risk? As far as she was concerned, whatever hope there might have been was snuffed out the moment she arrived home ill, the moment Sahar had that little heart to heart with her. Verial could never know, for Deanna knew it would destroy him just it as it was destroying her, perhaps moreso. He had finished speaking, she realized, and Deanna let out a shaky breath as she slid from under the covers and stood on wobbly legs. She held onto the side table for support until she found her footing, and only when she was absolutely positive the queasy feeling her stomach felt earlier had passed, did she make any attempt to walk the few feet to where he stood. The nightgown she was wearing earlier had been soiled by her vomitting, so Deanna was clad in another owned by Sahar, and thankfully it reached almost to her knees. Deanna bit down on her lip, considering how best to answer his questions, when inspiration struck her. She could have responsed in a violent and hatefilled manner. She could have demanded him to leave her room. She did none of these as she strode past him to her bathing area where she found a clean washrag and ran it under water, wringing it out thoroughly before returning to Verial and with a gentle push of her hand upon his shoulder, forced him to sit down upon the bed. Amazingly he actually did as she silently bid, and with great care, Deanna dabbed at the cuts and scrapes that decorated various areas of his face, in particular a nasty one near his temple. As she tended to his wounds as gently as possible, she spoke for the first time, her words as soft as her her movements.
"What you are, to me, is Lord of Arthuran. What you are, to me, is the one who risked everything to save my life, and I hate you for it, now more than ever." She did not meet his eyes as she spoke, instead focusing on the rawness of his injuries.
"I ask forgiveness for presuming what I did regarding Maiwen. I should have...known better I suppose, but...you must understand...," Deanna sighed, unable to properly express how she was feeling, and figuring it wasn't worth the effort anyway. Hoping to steer the coversation away from her and her personal feelings, Deanna tilted his head back some so she could tend to a particularly nasty cut on his chin.
"Considering that I did not bloody you...this time....," she tried to smile but failed,
"...I'd ask what happened to you in my attempt to avoid the conversation you seem so insistant upon having."Verial AkilaraAfter a few minutes, Deanna did not speak in response to his demands and many questions. Instead, she slid away from her bed and made an attempt to stand, which was something Verial noticed she struggled with. Her hand went to the side table for support and her knees shook a bit until Deanna was once again able to find her footing and walk. Verial watched her with something other than anger in that moment; it was interest. Since when did Deanna become sick and what from? Still, he did not bother to question her apparent illness when she walked past him to her bathing room, bringing back with her a damp cloth. With a gentle push of her hand upon his shoulder, to which Verial winced slightly because of his bruises, he went grudgingly and sat down on her bed. Deanna brought the washcloth to his face and began to tend to the cuts that marred his features. It was something Sahar usually did and was uncharacteristic of Deanna. There was a part of Verial that was touched... almost. His head was titled back some by Deanna's hand so she could inspect him more and it seemed that she was ever cautious of avoiding his gaze. Verial, however, kept his eyes on her.
"Why do you hate me for it?" Verial said. Some reasons were obvious and he understood, but Verial thought there was more to it than Deanna was letting on. His hands slid to his sides and then moved upwards to lace together in his lap. Verial pulled his head away from her hand then and looked directly into her gaze for a fraction of a few seconds before she could avoid him again.
"I can forgive you for your assumptions about my relationship with Maiwen, or lack thereof, but I do not understand. I need to know. I'm sure you think you are not capable of properly expressing yourself, but I don't believe that." At her attempt to change the subject, Verial let out a sigh and shrugged his shoulders.
"I fell." It sounded like an excuse, but it was true.
Deanna DiCorvinoWhatever softness Deanna had previously expressed toward Verial and his injuries slid away revealing that carefully placed mask of icy hardness she had spent years perfecting. Deanna tossed the bloodied washrag on the nightstand and regarded him with her cold amber gaze.
"I hate you because my very existence is nothing short of a cosmic tragedy that I am painfully reminded of every day, because you chose to keep me alive. I hate you because your actions have brought...consequences, as have mine and they will forever change me...us." Each word was laced with bitter poison and she spat them at him, her hands curled into fists, ignoring the twisting of her gut as she continued on without mercy.
"I thought, stupidly I might add, that since fate so cruelly decreed for you to by my 'savior' despite all that has happened between us, that somehow, for some reason...we...," Deanna shook her head angrily.
"Forget it. It doesn't matter what I thought. I care for you no more than you care for me, which boils down to 'pity sex' on some guilted level." Deanna turned away from him and padded on barefeet over to her window so she could throw open the shutters and look out at the starry night sky.
"I don't care what you believe where it concerns me, Verial. As far as I am concerned, we are both liars and damn good ones. Leave it at that, Lord Akilara, and do not worry yourself over where I decide to bed myself at night."Verial AkilaraHe could not tell if Deanna was being intentionally cruel to mask other emotions she might have felt, since being cold and hateful was something she had obviously perfected. Either way, it did not matter to Verial because with her bitter and resentful words the damage had been done. Verial laughed a little as she spoke, the sound scoffing. For a moment, he finally looked at anywhere else besides Deanna - at his boots, the floor, the wall.
"Of course. How could I be so stupid? To think I might have meant something else... I am no hero and I never strove to be yours." His words were spoken through clenched teeth. It would have been a perfect time to leave - to gather himself and head right out of Deanna's room. But something Deanna said made his head snap up in response. She simply stated that their feelings for each other were based on the mere thought of pity sex. Verial had sworn he told her before he cared about her, but he guessed that was just more water under their bridge that was about to be submerged. And then when Deanna turned from him, almost dismissively, to gaze outside the window, something inside of him snapped. In the middle of her sentence about the two of them being nothing more than liars, Verial stood. Verial reached to his side at his waist and drew from his belt a dagger that he had taken with him on his ride today. He strode towards Deanna and grasping her shoulder with his other hand, turned her and then pinned her up against the side of the wall next to the window. The blade went against Deanna's throat, the coldness of the metal pressed against her skin. There was some new emotion in Verial's odd colored eyes as he stared at her.
"I never wanted you to die, Deanna, but now I'm not so sure. You've pretty much convinced me that you're fucking miserable no matter what I do. I can kill you now, but I want you to know this. I would not be killing you out of hatred or vengeance; it's out of pity."Deanna DiCorvinoShe was grateful her hair covered most of her face so he would not see her wince at the bitter words hissed through his clenched teeth. She had hurt him, she knew it, and it it tore at her to do so. Every word spoken tonight had contradicted whatever truth she had given to Verial earlier. New light had been shed on the situation, the game had changed, and with that came the lies she had so convincingly thrown at him. They were meant to protect him, for his own sanity, and even though it hurt Deanna to cause him so much pain, she knew it was for his own good. One day he would thank her even, if he ever spoke to her again.
"You don't know what you're saying," she murmured quietly to herself as she heard him move, presumably to leave. What happened next was not even something she could have predicted. One moment she was staring out the window, masking every bit of emotion she felt course through her, and the next thing she knew, Verial was inches from her as he pinned her against the wall. She saw the flash of metal too late before she felt the coldness of steel bite against sensitive flesh. Torn between shock and outrage, fear and fury, Deanna reached out with both hands to grab handfulls of the ruined shirt he wore to pull him closer, forcing his head downward so that he had little choice but to stare into those fiery orbs.
"Then stop fucking talking about it and do it," she lashed out at him, contempt filling her voice.
"Do it! Revenge, hatred, pity, you think I care? I don't. Maybe once but not now. Never now." Keeping one hand clenched in his shirt, she raised her other hand to fit over his that held the dagger, her fingers sliding over his so that she pressed the blade harder against her throat drawing a thin ribbon of blood.
"Do it," her voice lowered as she baited him while she inched closer so that her lips brushed against his.
"Verial please," her voice grew less steady as she released her grip on his shirt to thread her fingers through the dark hair that hung at the nape of his neck.
Verial AkilaraThere was some part of Verial that thought perhaps the idea of him actually killing Deanna would be some sort of threat. That maybe when the steel of the blade was pressed against her throat that something - anything - would have mattered to Deanna. If she was hurt, angry or surprised by his actions, Verial didn't know it. As usual, Verial saw nothing more than a hollow shell of a woman before him. Instead of trying to escape the dagger that was against her neck, Deanna inched towards it, pulling Verial closer by grabbing his shirt. Her hand lifted, fitting over his to press the blade harder against her throat so a small trickle of blood was drawn. Verial's eyes lowered to watch as the blood made a slow trail down Deanna's neck and across her collar bone. During this, Deanna's lips brushed against his own and he was left momentarily stunned and frozen to the spot as if not knowing what to do. Between such an intimate action and her pleading with him to actually kill her, he didn't know how to respond. After several seconds however, Verial seemed to wake back up. He pulled back on the dagger, wrenching free from Deanna's hand and took the blade away from her neck, slamming it into the wall behind her above her shoulder. Verial leaned towards Deanna's ear and whispered one single word, his voice bitter,
"No." With that, he took a step backwards from her, as if making a motion to leave.
Deanna DiCorvinoThere was a shred of hope that Verial would actually go through with it, but that hope faded the moment he drew the dagger from her throat to impale it into the wall. Deanna closed her eyes and lowered her head as he whispered
"No," and stepped away, her face crumpling with the pain and torment she felt. Tears burned behind her eyelids but it was her own life's blood that slid slowly down the hollow of her throat, winding its way down to the dragon scale that hung between her breasts. The thin circular obsidian object burned hot against her skin, a reflection of the misery inflicted in both Verial and herself. Deanna opened eyes to stare at him and though she kept as much revealed as possible, there was no denying the anguish she bore in her features, in the one simple word that was asked.
"Why?"Verial AkilaraFrom the moment Verial took a step away from her, Deanna's possible death out of the question for the night, Verial saw an evident look of disappointment on her face. Her head lowered to hide the pain she bore since the remainder of her blood would not be spilt. Verial watched as the trail of blood eventually began to stain the collar of the night gown she wore, the crimson liquid seeping past the clothing to trail lazily between her breasts where his scale hung on a thin, leather cord. It was Deanna's amber gaze that finally made him lift his head again, anger now marring her features. Her lips parted and she asked him
"Why?" Why would he not kill her? Why would Verial not grant her this one thing? He looked at her, blinking a few times as if in disbelief, as if couldn't comprehend that she didn't know. The words were out of his lips faster than he could stop himself.
"Because I love you." And after he had finished his sentence, he realized the words he had just said and wished he had said anything else but that. He would have settled for cursing at her in draconic, but no - the truth just came right out. To make it worse, instead of fleeing the scene (which might have been the best thing to do), Verial stood as if expecting some sort of response.
Deanna DiCorvinoShe asked. He had answered as honest and heartfelt as he could, and all she could do was to look away, her teeth sinking down on her lower lip. She had to still her hands as they drifted toward her midsection, and so badly did she want to tell him the truth. Why she was pushing him away. Why she did not deem herself worthy of existing. Several times her lips parted to speak, and just when she thought she had worked up enough bravado, fear reigned her in. Fear of how he would react, fear of his disgust, but most of all, fear he would be accepting, and in that fact, want for her to as well. She couldn't. She was simply a shell to house an unwanted entity, an entity that may contain her biological matter, but its entire reason for being was all Sharay's. It was not fair. Not to her, not to him. So what choice did she have but to turn him away? The silence ticked by slowly from the moment Verial told her her he loved her and she still had yet to say anything. Did she not love him back? Did she not feel love for him? Deanna considered, seriously considered how she felt and determined the answer was no. She did not simply love Verial. It was more than that. She needed him. He was her air, for without it, she could not draw breath so her heart could beat. Verial was her counterpart, her other half. She knew this now. For so long she had believed it was Maxim Redmont who held that honor, but Deanna realized she could very well exist without Maxim no matter how much he had hurt her. She knew that was not the case with Verial. They had bonded whether willing or not, and that went beyond the boundaries of love.
"When we travelled to Tezzra's Gorge," she began quietly, her head turning slowly to look at him.
"You were infected by Elijah. I knew you were dying and wanted nothing more than a cure, but...," she looked down then, ashamed by her next words.
"I thought to myself that if...if I bit you...if I infected you, that maybe my blood would counteract the effects of Elijah's." Her hands having minds of their own, rested upon her abdomen which wasn't something out of the norm, but meant a great deal more to Deanna.
"I was going to do it, bite you that is, without your permission and hope for the best. I hoped to save you, but...more than that," she lifted her gaze once more and swallowed the lump in her throat.
"I thought if I did that, not only would it save you, but you would be...like me. That you would share my bloodline, and you might...have been with me." It was a shameful thing to admit for she had been with Quinn at the time, but the moment Deanna had tasted Verial's blood, as foul as it was, she knew then she had tasted home.
"I didn't though, because it wasn't the right thing to do. Because you would have hated me, and I did not want to risk that." Why the confession of something that happenend so long enough and was not even significant in their relationship? She pushed away from the wall and walked to where he stood in silence.
"You love me, Verial?" She reached up and cupped his face within her hands.
"You shouldn't," was all she said before lowering his head so that her lips met his and she did everything possible not to shed the tears that threatened to spill at any moment.
Verial AkilaraAfter the silence between them strained on, Verial moved a foot backwards. Even as he watched Deanna contemplating over his words, taking in the details of those three little magical and tragic words, Verial had it in his mind to turn around and walk away. Part of him didn't want to know what Deanna was going to say. If he had to be honest with himself, he didn't know if Deanna's reaction mattered all that much. Whether she actually hated him, felt the same or was just neutral, it was beginning to sink in the reason he had told her the truth was because he was not sure if in the future if he would remember that he did love Deanna. Verial was always on the brink, on a teetering edge between who he actually was and the angry and hollow person he was withering away to. And now that she knew, though Verial still wished he had held his tongue, there was a considerable weight off of his shoulders. All these thoughts were interrupted when Deanna began to finally speak and it was about their time in Tezzra's Gorge. Verial bit his lower lip, taking in the secrets that she was telling him about their journey back then. When Deanna was done explaining this, Verial released the hold on his lip but he did not look ashamed at her. Instead, there was mild surprise written on his face. Though she had not returned his sentiments with the same words, perhaps Deanna was subtly saying there was part of Verial that made her feel like she belonged somewhere which was good enough for him. She crossed the room, standing before Verial and asked him again if he loved her.
"Yes, I do." Verial leaned slightly towards her as the palms of her hands cupped his face.
"I know." There was something in him that wanted to apologize for some reason, but instead, Verial closed his odd colored eyes and kissed her back, allowing his arms to lower and wrap around Deanna's waist pulling her closer to him. As Deanna's chest would press against his own, for however brief or long the moment was, Verial held onto her as if she were part of him and indeed, more so than either of them realized, she was.
Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2012 11:18 am