Ah mortals. Humans, really. You animated husks barely one step up from monkeys that fling their own feces, you shit throwers do love your holidays and festivals. I have lived for ages and have watched with morbid fascination how you go apeshit over the changing seasons and the lame traditions you practice with each one, in particular autumn.
Oh yes, for some unfounded reason, each and every one of you primates goes absolutely bananas (Heh, you see what I did there?) over the season that celebrates impending death to the land. You spend half of the year (Should you survive the bitter cold that winter brings), praying for that silly fop Aurora to announce the coming of spring and eventual warmer days, yet when the days grow shorter and cooler, all of a sudden your true malevolent colors show. Allow me to elaborate, if you will.
You marvel over the leaves changing into their radiant colors of gold, rust, and burnt sienna (A fabulous color, I might add), yet I wonder if any of you give a passing thought that those vibrant hued leaves that once thrived during the spring and summer months have now met their inevitable end at the cruel hand of your so-called ‘Autumn God’. And let us not forget how much the little children (and weirdly enough, some of you oddball adults) squeal like little pigs when those poor leaves that once produced the oxygen you breathe fall sadly to the ground only to be swept into a large pile for you leaf jumping enthusiasts. Each crunch, each leaf crumbled into dust by your feet stomping and cruel amusement, most likely brings a tear to the willow or oak that watches while you massacre its once proud foliage. Savages.
Let us not forget your greedy desire for food and drink that seem to come into play here, but before all of that takes place, you pray. And pray. And thank the god of autumn for all of your blessings and bountiful harvests. Oh, I’m sorry...did your god sow the land for you? Did he tend to your crops, toiling all season long? Did he reap the wheat or pluck each apple off the tree for you? No? You did that all by yourself? You’re kidding! But please, by all means, continue thanking him for all of YOUR hard work that you obviously do not rightfully deserve. Simpletons.
Once all of your hymns, prayers and offerings have been made, it boils down to the eating and drinking, doesn’t it? All of a sudden, everyone becomes a gourmet in the kitchen, producing one bread loaf, pie or cake after another. Your obsession for fruits, in particular apples and pumpkins, is...for lack of better word...bizarre, as is the gluttonous feasts you participate in, always complete with drink, especially something ‘spiced’. As I stated before, I have watched many a mortal over the years, and I am still in great awe over how much food can be stuffed into that little orifice you call a mouth. I’ll admit, I do get a tad giddy seeing the occasional greedy little pig choke on a ham bone and die. Death is, after all, my domain. But I digress because what truly astounds me is not so much your joyful glee of your dying land, or your disgusting eating habits. It is your ghastly fashion sense.
Tell me, does the Autumn God strike each and every one of you blind during this time of the year? Do you not love your loved ones each time you think of some ugly clothing concoction you spend hours knitting only to force such monstrosities upon them, or even yourself? Do none of you own a mirror (or a soul), to reflect upon as you dress for the day in what would make a burlap sack seem like some silken gown? Surely you do not really believe that wearing some oversized frock that bears pictures of grinning pumpkins is attractive? Your vanity sure seems to cloud your judgement. Don’t even get me started on All Hallow’s Eve when you think it is socially acceptable to dress your poor children up as beggars disguised as goblins, ghosts and witches (Poorly disguised goblins, ghosts, and witches, I might add), dragging them house to house so they might snarf down sickening amounts of sweets, only throw their guts up later on in the evening while you scratch your heads and wonder WHY they have aches in their bellies?
So please, enjoy your season of defiling trees, of carving pumpkins, of chanting to your god for all of his ‘help’ providing for you this season. Drink your spiced cider and cram as much pie in your mouth as humanly possible, because you know...there’s nothing more attractive than watching a refined and civilized mortal act eat like a savage animal while their neighbors starve. Dress your children as they very creatures you live in fear of, but pretend you don’t...you do. Believe me, you do. Show off your ‘made with love’ ugly sweaters and go around pretending to admire other’s uglygear as well, only to return to your homes to mock the ugliness in private. Soon enough you’ll complain when the real cold sets in and those unsightly clothes no longer keep you warm because of all the weight you have gained when you ate all of the food that was supposed to last you through the looooooong and bitterly cold winter months ahead.
I’ll just watch your carefully carved pumpkins slowly rot and look utterly fabulous in my silks as I poison your barrels of warm apple flavored piss, and wait patiently to collect the souls of those who have asphyxiated on that last kernel of corn they managed to cram into their mouths.
Enjoy your autumn mortals.
Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 8:29 pm